Nightmare at the Ren Faire

            The flashing police cruiser lights, washing the house flags, stained gowns and dripping props of the Renaissance Faire in electric blue and red, created such a striking juxtaposition that Valentina forgot, for a moment, that she was bleeding. Her dazed mouth hung open as she looked around at all the officers milling about the grounds. She took a blood-soaked white feather out of her pocket and cradled it, tears forming in her eyes, before she finally noticed Luke's purple and red jester hat.

            Its jingle bells sat silently, caked in mud. When the police lights first shone red on it, she couldn't tell anything was different beyond the fact that Luke was no longer wearing it. But when she saw how much blood was crusted on it, how the only thing wetting the mud beneath it was the fluid from Luke’s body, she remembered how much pain she was in. And the tears fell.

***

            They entered the Ren Faire when it opened at 10 a.m. Valentina’s friends made sure to get there at that time every year. She had never been to the Ren Faire before, and she had been assured that it wasn't a problem if she dressed in normal clothing. However, she couldn't help but feel out of place and embarrassed by her jean shorts and Charli xcx t-shirt once they joined the crowd.

            Her new boyfriend, Luke, whom she met online and wasn’t totally sure she liked, had hastily ordered a jester costume a few days earlier. He told her that he’d been to a Ren Faire before and that she was going to feel like "an asshole" for not dressing up. He had never spoken of any Ren Faire in the past, and she was pretty sure he hadn’t been to one, although they hadn’t been dating a full year yet.

            Her friends, Jonah and Kelsey, assured her again that her normal clothes were okay, but she wished she’d ordered a simple dress or something. At least this way, there were pockets, and she was comfortable.

            Jonah and Kelsey had been married for three years, and they dated for eight years before that. They came to the Ren Faire every year of their relationship, and they pieced together their costumes over that time. Jonah was a knight, adorned in black and gold metal from head to foot with an enormous yellow feather coming out of a helmet that covered his entire head. He kept the face guard turned up so he could speak and see unobstructed. An impractically large sword fastened to his hip dragged along the gravel. He usually wore his soft fit, a much lighter, fabric-based outfit, but this year, he wanted to go all out. After spending an amount on the armor that he refused to disclose, he said that the Ren Faire deserved to see it. Even if it was the hottest day in August.

            Kelsey was a witch dressed in black and purple with accents of gold to match Jonah. Animal pelts and bones were laced throughout her layers. Antlers and flowers combined into a stunning headdress. Black paint covered her face in designs that startled Valentina initially. Valentina and Kelsey worked together in a real estate office the past couple of years, and Kelsey always kept her desk covered in decorative blades and animal bones, even though they weren’t technically allowed to decorate their workspaces. Valentina was seeing her in her element, fully realized for the first time, and it was lovely.

            “Are you already hot?” Kelsey asked Jonah. Sweat was pouring down his face and leaking out of his helmet.

            “I’m good,” he said unconvincingly.

            “You can change out of the armor if you want. How about just show it off for like an hour and then change into your soft fit?"

            “Yeah, I might do that.”

            “You guys look amazing,” Valentina said. Her friends smiled. “I’m so impressed.”

            “Sorry about Val,” Luke said, “She’s fucking up your guys’ whole vibe. She didn't even try." Luke patted Valentina's back a little too hard, laughing. "Why didn't you at least wear a shirt without anything on it?” He took on a medieval-ish accent that was, above all else, patronizing. “Oh dear, my favorite minstrel: Charles of xcx!”

            The other couple gave small, brief laughter, caught between wanting the energy to stay positive while not wanting to hurt Valentina’s feelings. Although she appreciated that Luke was trying with his outfit, every step he took in his elf-shaped, glittery jingle bell shoes annoyed her even further.

            “It’s totally okay,” Kelsey said, the animal bones hanging from her hair clanking around as she turned to Valentina. One hit her eye, and she closed it without breaking her tone. “King Mike might have a problem with it if he sees you, but he’s weird. Takes his ‘king’ role way too seriously. He’s the owner, and I swear he makes the employees devote themselves to him. Like he’s a real king. Super weird. It can be a vibe killer for sure. But I didn’t dress up my first time either. Lots of people don’t dress up. We’re just happy you came.”

            “What kind of jester are you?” Jonah asked Luke.

            “The most jester fucking jester you’ve ever seen, brother,” Luke said, bowing deeply. His purple and red jingle bell hat grazed the grass.

            "Nice. But what kind of jester? Val said you've been to Ren Faires before, so I thought maybe you had been working on this specific look for a while."

            “Uh, a classic jester. I prefer just the classic jester look. I don’t put that much effort into it because I think there are better uses for my money. I’m not going to go all out like some of these nerds. But at least I blend in, unlike some people.”

            "Which Ren Faire did you go to before?"

            “I don’t know. One of the other ones.”

            “Cool.”

            The group made their way to the entrance. They walked past the security table checking bags and on to the line of ticket takers. Jonah and Valentina pulled up their partners’ digital tickets on their phones, scanned them, and crossed over from the parking lot of today into a state park of medieval times.

            Valentina gasped, transported. All the costumes, buildings, the merriment, the sounds of carts, horses and a town crier making their way through the narrow paths. The smells, good and bad. Breathtaking. There weren’t many people dressed in normal clothing, but there were a few, and they put Valentina at ease. Merchants shouted from the shops with smiles on their faces to match hers. The smell of turkey legs and mead soon dominated the air.

            Loud snaps crackled like gunshots near the town square as a performer demonstrated tricks with his whip. Smoke tendrils floated by. To their right, a band of performers was entertaining a small crowd with medieval improv comedy that was better than she assumed it would be. Minstrels strummed lutes. To their left, a magic show. Valentina was overwhelmed.

            “Oh my god,” she said, stopping. “This is incredible.”

            “Right?” Kelsey agreed, laughing. “It’s the best.”

            “Sorry to do this right away, my good ladies, but I need to get something to drink,” Jonah said.

            “Read my mind,” Kelsey said.

            “That sounds good. I’m kind of hungry, too,” Valentina said. “Luke, are you good? Do you need water or food?”

            “I took two shots in the car already,” Luke informed the other couple. “It’s beer time. Let’s fucking go.”

            Kelsey got a Bloody Mary, Jonah got a vodka seltzer and the largest bottle of water they sold, Valentina got a Twisted Tea, and Luke got three Modelo lager tallboys stacked on top of each other. He finished the first one before anyone else received their drinks.

            “That was fast,” Kelsey said.

            “Can’t carry three drinks around,” Luke said, throwing the empty can in a trash bin, which was next to a recycling bin for cans and bottles. He popped the second can open and held it stacked on top of the other can in his right hand.

            “Luke,” Valentina smiled. Although she didn’t think this relationship would last into marriage, she was in the throes of convincing herself that she liked Luke, even though nobody else in her life was convinced. Kelsey certainly wasn’t. “Put the cans in the recycling.”

            Valentina reached into the trash and pulled the beer can out, placing it in the recycling bin.

            “They didn’t recycle in medieval times,” Luke said.

            "I mean, they did,” Kelsey said. “It looked very different from what it is now. Also, the Renaissance came at the end of the medieval period and marked a shift away from it, but we can't get into that conversation. Here, take these.” She passed out maps of the grounds. "What do you guys want to do first?"

            They looked over the map. Valentina was swept away. She wanted to see it all and buy something from every shop. She was especially eyeing the chainmail shop. She had never seen real chainmail before, and it could be the perfect way to Faire-ify her look. There was a petting zoo. A massive garden with a bridge over a small pond that led to a fairy forest. A jousting ring. Bocce ball, archery, knife throwing. And there was frog tossing.

            “Frog tossing?” Valentina said.

            “Oh yeah,” Jonah laughed. “They’re rubber frogs. You hit a little catapult thing with a mallet, and it launches the frog at a bucket. You try to get as many in the bucket as you can.”

            “I’m doing that after I get a turkey leg,” Valentina said. Luke burped.

            They stopped at the Lord of Leg's turkey leg stand and waited for Valentina to get her food.

            "Ah, good day, fair lady! Well met!" the turkey leg salesman, presumably the Lord of Leg himself, said to Valentina. He was dressed entirely in black leather, and his early graying hair hung down over his eyes. Valentina felt too warm just from looking at his clothes. “I see thou art an admirer of Queen Charli. Brat summer, indeed! Huzzah!”

            “Huzzah!” his coworkers yelled, echoing him.

            “Huzzah!” Valentina said, her smile widening to the back of her head, her eyes on fire. She clenched her teeth with excitement. "Can I get a turkey leg, please?"

            “Of course, of course. I must warn you, though. King Mike may disapprove of your clothing, so be careful. Donning the image of another royal family. We hail King Mike around here, don’t we lads?”

            “Hail King Mike!” his coworkers shouted.

            “However,” he continued, “being a beautiful woman with an appetite fit for childbearing comes with its perks. How fortunate you are for the kingdom. Hopefully, our knights will keep you safe when our majestic ruler, King Mike, orders the arrows to fall.”

            Valentina didn’t know how to respond, so she smiled through it while he got the turkey leg for her. She noticed a framed, recent photo of a very elderly man dressed in a king costume. Beneath it read We Live and Die for King Mike in bright gold leaf lettering. Next to the portrait was a large ax propped upside down against a table, which Valentina assumed was for chopping meat.

            “Thirty bucks,” he said, returning with an overcooked turkey leg wrapped in paper.

            “Wow, okay,” Valentina said, her mood slightly deflated by the price. She hadn’t paid for the drinks and could only imagine how much those cost. She paid with her phone and took a bite of the leg as she walked back to her friends. It was just okay.

            “How is it?” Kelsey asked.

            “Great,” Valentina said. “Where’s Luke?”

            “He went to get another drink,” Jonah said. “He downed those beers while you were getting the turkey leg. Honestly, it was impressive. It made me finish my vodka seltzer.”

            “I’m taking my time with the Bloody Mary,” Kelsey said, tapping the side of her drink, smiling knowingly at Valentina. “Silly boys. We have a lot of day left.”

            They heard the sound of an empty can hitting the recycling bin and turned to see Luke walking back with two Modelo lagers stacked on top of each other in one hand and a blackberry vodka seltzer in the other. He handed the vodka seltzer to Jonah and popped the tab on the top Modelo.

            “I can Venmo you,” Jonah said.

            “Don’t worry about it, bud. You got the last round. I’m planning to spend a lot of money on booze today,” Luke said.

            “Did you drink another beer before you walked over here?” Kelsey asked.

            “Can’t carry four drinks around.”

            They slowly moved as a group into a shop and looked at a few magnets and bags. Shoes and hats. Enormous figures built from all manner of craftiness. Bone art. Dresses. Belts. Valentina bought a magnet made of leather that looked like a gremlin for fifty-three dollars. She decided she would only let herself buy one other souvenir that day, and she was not optimistic about how much the chainmail probably cost.

            Next door was the frog tossing booth, and Valentina’s blood ran hot. She ran over to the table and held out ten dollars for four frogs.

            “This is the best deal in town,” Valentina said.

            “Huzzah!” shouted the young man wearing a brown pointy hat with a brown vest over a red pirate shirt. He was also wearing what Valentina could only describe as pantaloons. She wasn’t sure of the names for all the clothing, or if pirate clothes were appropriate, so she kept her compliments for each look vague. “Has the fair lady tossed a frog before?”

            “No,” Valentina said, beaming.

            “Well met. 'Tis but a simple matter of controlling thine own strength. Something I'm sure the fair lady will have no problem with at all. Women are better at controlling themselves than men in these parts. Especially these days. I will place the frog on your catapult, and you may turn the catapult however you see fit, then strike it with your mallet to fire the frog. There are six different buckets, as you can see. Get your frogs in a bucket and win a prize.”

            Six buckets were lined up, three across and two deep, about five to ten yards away from her. The furthest buckets had a backboard behind them.

            The boy placed a frog on the launch pad, and Valentina immediately struck it with her mallet. The frog landed in the dirt in front of the nearest bucket.

            “Ah, if I may suggest, a little harder this time, my mistress,” he said.

            “Yep. Thanks.”

            The second frog hit the dirt between the nearest bucket and the bucket behind it.

            “This will be your frog, my lady, I just know it,” he said.

            "Fuck yeah! Come on, Val!" Luke shouted. Although he was drunk, it was sweet, and Valentina couldn't help but feel swooned by the support.

            She struck the catapult, and the frog landed in the nearest bucket.

            “Huzzah!” everyone yelled. Valentina couldn’t be sure if it was the heat, the turkey and half a Twisted Tea in her system, the daydream of the Ren Faire, or a combination of all that made her swear everyone within earshot was yelling “huzzah” for her. She curtsied, and the group cheered. She was a queen.

            “For this last frog,” the boy said, “I will implore the fair lady to throw all of her might into the thunderous mallet she wields. Only the fullest strength will get the frog into the furthest bucket, which will triple thy score. The treasures that await thee in that prize bucket are beyond this realm. The back ones have backboards, too, which makes them easier.”

            Valentina noticed another framed photo of King Mike. We Live and Die for King Mike in loud gold lettering beneath it. She pointed to it, opening her mouth to ask about it.

            “I gotta piss,” Luke said. He walked toward the port-o-potties, and Valentina looked back at him. Although she thought it was silly, she couldn't help but feel hurt that he didn’t stay to watch her final frog toss. When she opened her mouth again to call out to him, the town crier began shouting next to her face, and she fell back, startled.

            “HERE YE, HERE YE. ALL MAKE WAY FOR THE KING. KING MIKE HAS ARRIVED. MAKE WAY FOR HIS MAJESTY, KING MIKE. SHOW SOME RESPECT, YOU LOT. THE KING HAS ARRIVED. ALL HAIL KING MIKE."

            An elderly man, bent over and frowning, adorned in a dusty costume of cheap royal fabrics, his eyes wandering in different directions, was pulled in a wooden cart beside them. Valentina backed away. Jonah put his hand over his heart, and King Mike waved to him.

            “Thank you for your service to the kingdom, lad,” he said to Jonah. His voice was a rock tumbler.

            “He recognizes a good knight when he sees one.” Kelsey smiled. Jonah looked back at her, ecstatic. The crowd cheered, and spectators near him patted Jonah on the shoulders. Some stopped to take pictures with him before taking pictures of the king.

            Valentina looked around. Every employee of the Ren Faire that she could see had stopped what they were doing and faced King Mike. They all had their hands over their hearts. They were crying. They were smiling. All those eyes wide with admiration. Like they were looking at God. They were standing still, but she could feel their blood rushing.

            King Mike’s cart stopped in front of a stage in the town square. With the help of Ren Faire employees, he shuffled his way up the steps to address the crowd, his long, faded crimson velvet cloak dragging behind him. He held a cone in front of his mouth to amplify his voice. The crowd fell silent.

            “Huzzah!” King Mike yelled.

            “Huzzah!” the employees and most of the crowd yelled back.

            “It’s so wonderful to see all of you. I have an exciting announcement about the future of the Renaissance Faire. Would you like to hear it?”

            The crowd screamed.

            “Today is my last day as king of the Ren Faire.”

            The crowd booed. King Mike held his hand up to hush them, and once they were quiet, he continued.

            “There will be no king after me. As there was no king before me. I have grown old and decided that I want my death to be on my terms. There will be no successor. After me, that’s it. It’s done. And as a thank you for your loyalty all these years, I have arranged for it to happen today in front of all of you, my loyal citizens.”

            Silence.

            "This has been prophesied since the beginning of my reign, and it is something my royal subjects are ready to carry out for me once I go. All that is left is to tell you, the adoring public, what comes next. Once it’s over, and I am gone, the rules change. Anarchy will rule this land until its big, beautiful collapse. You will no longer be guaranteed safety in these walls, as the laws of the kingdom will no longer apply. If you chose to stay, then enjoy the rest of your day. Have a steak sandwich or something. I don’t care what you do. I’ll be dead, and the prestige of my throne will be a fading memory. So, thank you for your money, and thank you for believing in the dream of the Renaissance Faire. Farewell to you all, and may God have mercy on your souls.”

            The crowd was confused, mostly by their role in this show. A few people cheered. A few booed. The boos got louder as a colossal man in an executioner’s hood walked up the stage steps. He set a small table in front of the king. The king knelt and laid his head against the table. The Lord of Leg approached the stage with the ax from his food stand and handed it to the executioner. The boos got louder.

            King Mike looked at Valentina.

            “I have one last request,” he yelled. The crowd softened. “Girl. You there. Yes. I’m looking at you. Hello, sweetheart. Yes. Hi. Step forward, please.”

            Valentina was frozen with a Twisted Tea in one hand and a dry turkey leg being pulled away from her face in the other. She gulped the remaining turkey in her mouth, less chewed than she wanted, and stared back at the king.

            An employee pushed Valentina from behind. She had tunnel vision as she obediently shuffled forward. The eyes of the crowd pulsed a current against her legs. They stopped a few inches away from King Mike. His skin was sliding off his face and threatening to drip onto the ground. His breath was a furnace.

            “Such strange fabrics. Must be from a distant land,” King Mike said, looking her up and down. The audience laughed. “Do me a favor, dear. Your lips are too lovely to deny before I leave this world. Please, kiss an old man so he may pass into the next life with love.” A crooked smile pulled at the skin around his eyes until Valentina worried they might fall out.

            “What?” Valentina said. “Oh my god. No.”

            The crowd was restless.

            The employee grabbed the back of her head. Kelsey and Jonah stepped forward. She resisted, and when the employee pushed her closer, she spat a piece of turkey leg on King Mike’s face.

            The king laughed.

            “Let her go,” King Mike said, and the employee obeyed. He lowered his voice. “The end will not fare well for you, whore. Once it’s done, you better run.”

            King Mike laid his head back on the table. Without another word, the hooded figure chopped twice, wet and hard. The stunned crowd went quiet again behind a few shocked gasps. They listened as the chopping turned from hitting meat and bone to hitting wood. The sound was devastating. Thick flecks misted Valentina’s face. She wanted to cry. She closed her eyes and processed only the sound of the gruesome splattering. The gurgling. The king's head splashed onto the stage.

            The Lord of Leg walked back to the stage and grabbed the ax from the executioner, wiping off its blade as he returned to his turkey leg stand. The town crier walked in front of the stage next to Valentina.

            “HERE YE, HERE YE. THE KING IS DEAD. KING MIKE IS DEAD. THERE IS NO LONGER A KING OF THE RENAISSANCE FAIRE. WE ARE NOW SUBJECT TO ANARCHY. THE LAW AND ORDER OF THE KINGDOM WILL NO LONGER PROTECT YOU. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOULS.”

            The employees walked away from the stage, some of them pulling blades from their belts and praising the king. His corpse was lowered by a trap door underneath the stage. A few people started clapping, which prompted the rest of the crowd to clap.

            Valentina walked back to her friends.

            “What the fuck was that?” Valentina said.

            “That looked so real. Oh my god,” Kelsey said, touching the blood on Valentina’s shirt. “What did it look like up close?”

            “You were in a show!” Jonah yelled, “So cool. That was really dark. Yeah. Wow. I don’t know how they did that. They’ve never killed the king before. That’s such a cool development. I wonder what will happen throughout the day because of that.”

            “That looked too real. That was, like, fucked up. I’ve never seen anything that real before. There are kids here. And they almost made me kiss him,” Valentina said.

            “Yeah, they’ve been getting better and better with the gore effects every year. The jousts are crazy, too. How exciting,” Kelsey said. “Oh, and if they actually made you kiss him, I would have cut his head off myself. Don’t worry.”

            They turned back to the frog toss. The boy in pirate clothing behind the counter lowered his hand from his heart and flickered his eyes.

            “How lucky you were to be picked by the king. I commend your chastity in the face of such power. Is the lady ready for her final toss?” the boy asked.

            “Yes.”

            The boy placed the frog on her catapult, and she struck it as hard as she could, glaring at the spot where her mallet came to rest. She heard another wet slap against wood. The group was quiet. The strange, repellent energy grew. Her stomach tightened. She looked up, wondering if somehow the frog had missed the bucket despite hitting the backboard. But she saw. The cracks in the wood were filled with a chunky, dripping puddle of pink and brown. She looked down at the frogs in the dirt. They had vomited up their organs and were rotting in the midday heat.

            “Huzzah!” the boy yelled. “You made it in.”

            The boy brought over two baskets. One held fake dollar store feathers dipped in different colored paint, and the other held plastic tiaras for children.

            “The riches that have befallen you are sublime, indeed, my lady! Magic feathers and crowns fit for a princess! The most difficult part of this challenge will be choosing just one. You can only pick one, by the way. Do you want a feather or a crown?"

            Valentina looked at the broken plastic baskets.

            “Do you have a white feather?”

            “Yeah.”

            He handed her a white feather.

            “Huzzah!” he yelled.

            Valentina walked back to her friends and kept walking. They turned and followed.

            “Was that blood on the backboard before I started playing?” Valentina asked under her breath.

            “I don’t know. I don’t remember,” Kelsey said.

            “It definitely wasn’t there before,” Jonah said.

            “Maybe that’s something they do now. For deeper immersion,” Kelsey said. "They use fake blood a lot for stuff. It's okay. Hey, cool feather. White feathers symbolize divine protection, too. You’ll have a guardian angel today. That’s nice. Is Luke still in the bathroom?”

            Valentina looked at her phone. Thirty minutes had passed.

            "We can go," she said. "I'll text him where we end up. He might be asleep in the car. He's done that before. Gotten too drunk and slept in the car. I'll check in a bit if he's not back."

            Valentina needed to stabilize herself in a controlled environment, so she moved toward the closest store she could see, which, luckily, was a store she had been eyeing since they arrived. They passed a few peasants pretending to be dead in a ditch after being stabbed by royal guards, and Valentina hurried her footsteps inside.

            “Good day to you!” the chainmail merchant called. “Nasty business out there today. Interested in a new chainmail? Some say end times are nigh. Now that the king has fallen, there is no law to rule the land. You'll need a sturdy chainmail for protection.”

            “Just looking, thanks,” Valentina said. She was not in the mood for this discussion, although she was consumed by the dazzling beauty of all that shimmering chainmail. The elven style called to her. She found a delicate rose gold chainmail with a cute little emerald leaf on it that grabbed her heart and wouldn't let go. She looked at the price tag. $350. Which, considering, didn't feel terrible. She kept it in her hand.

            A Ren Faire employee dressed in royal armor complimented Jonah on his costume and invited him outside to take a picture. He agreed enthusiastically. A moment later, another employee complimented Kelsey on her costume and invited her outside to take a picture. She agreed. Then, Valentina realized she was alone, and the chainmail merchant was walking out from behind his cashier station.

            “Does the lady wish to try it on?” he asked.

            Valentina searched his tone, and her spine shook. She clenched the shivers running through her skin to stay still.

            “I’m still just looking,” she whispered.

            She felt his humidity in her ear.

            Valentina turned around, holding up the chainmail. The two of them fell, and a long, thin knife took a chunk out of the hardwood as it hit the floor. She stepped on the merchant’s chest and gripped one end of the chainmail, whipping it into his face as he lay on the ground. He screamed, little cuts drenching his face with red, until she felt a sharp pain in her arm. She looked down. Warm blood rolled down her elbow and covered her hand. An arrow was sticking out of her shoulder.

            She saw the archer in the doorway load another arrow. She dropped, making sure to stay on top of the merchant, and the second arrow clanged against the wall of hanging chainmail behind her. She picked up the arrow and stabbed it into the merchant’s eye. He squealed. She grabbed the knife and apologized as she stabbed it into his other eye, clumsily working them both in large circles until they reached the other side, and his screaming stopped. She exhaled.

            The pain caught up with her as another arrow grazed her bent stomach, cutting her shirt. She fell on the ground and watched the archer nock his bow, laughing a slow, distant chitter. She scurried as far behind the cashier counter as she could. An arrow hit the ground next to her foot, clipping her shoe, and she screamed. He loaded another arrow. But when he pulled back, he turned.

            Jonah appeared in the doorway, the arrow bouncing off his armored chest and knocking the wind out of him. He coughed in pain. Sunlight radiated off his brilliant armor as he raised his sword, which Valentina was now discovering was real, and plunged it through the archer’s throat. The spasming body’s dying weight pulled Jonah to the ground. He stepped on the archer’s forehead and pulled his sword out.

            He ran to Valentina.

            "Valentina. Are you okay? Oh my god. It's okay. It's okay. I got you. Don't worry. We're going to leave the arrow in your shoulder for right now, okay? Because then you won’t bleed out. We can save you. We got this. You’ll be okay. You aren’t going to die. Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

            Jonah was crying.

            “Where is Kelsey?” Valentina asked.

            Jonah cried harder.

            There was a loud crack.

            At first, they couldn’t tell what it was. She thought it was the whip performer. The atmosphere had made her forget that such technology existed. A piece of Jonah's armor was sent spinning into the air. Louder cracking. The stench of burning gunpowder. A horrible hailstorm of bullets flew through the store. Valentina screamed while Jonah fell to the ground, his armor riddled with leaking holes.

            "There's a girl in here!" she heard them say, "It's okay, miss. We're going to get you out. We have it under control. Don't worry. We got them. I'm Officer Gareth. Hey, Charli xcx. My daughter loves Charli xcx. I think she's pretty good, too, if I'm honest. How are you doing? Can you stand? Don't worry. We got you. I’m going to pull this arrow out now, okay? You're safe.”

            Paramedics entered the store.

            As they took her to the ambulance, she squinted her eyes at the destruction around her, the streets outside stained deep with royal crimson. A cleansing of the kingdom. Mounds of slain villagers lay guarded by police tape in the boiling sun. The air was solid. The smells. Breathtaking. She listened to the police chattering around her.

            "I like the Ren Faire, honestly. I've been before. It's fun. But these guys, they're really culty, you know? Shit like this happens when shit gets too culty like that. It’s fucked up.”

            “I just shot at anybody wearing medieval shit. Like, I’m not playing around. Not today. How the hell am I supposed to tell? They’re all running around looking like mental patients.”

            "Same. That armor ain't shit for these glocks, either. Bastards didn’t stand a chance.”

            “Have you guys ever been to one of these before?”

            “I was just saying, I have been to one before. It’s fun. They are cool. Like, I like all this shit. And I like Lord of the Rings, you know?”

            “Love Lord of the Rings.”

            “Yeah, man. So, it’s fun to do that. But these people are weird. Like I was saying, it’s like a cult for them. That’s when it’s a problem.”

            “Yeah.”

            Valentina could feel the police looking at her, so she kept her eyes closed. When they started speaking again, she heard a familiar voice and opened her eyes. Giving a victim statement to one of the officers, wearing a ripped t-shirt, cargo shorts and flipflops, delivering the performance of his life, she saw the Lord of Leg staring back at her, smiling.